This is it, folks. This is the big one. The recipe that inspired this website in the first place.

(Yes, I know I’ve been away for ages. My IRL job occasionally requires me to work 12-hour shifts, especially around this time of year. By June, things will start loosening up and you’ll see a lot more activity.)

This, in spite of the inclusion of a lot of gut-friendly kimchi, is not a healthful food. This is drunk food at its finest. It is greasy, spicy, savory, funky and the best damn thing you can put in your mouth if you are stressed (trust me, I speak from experience. Remember those 12-hour shifts?).

The nice thing about this recipe is that it’s not really a recipe. I’m not going to give you amounts or tell you what should or should not go on your nachos, with the exception of the Holy Trinity (read below). They’re nachos! The Tex-Mex poutine! Go nuts.

First, you need to assemble your cast of characters:

• Tortilla Chips of Choice (or even homemade! We’ll cover that in a future post.)
• Kimchi of Choice – I have several jars of homemade kimchi in rotation right now, but none taste quite…right…I am still learning (and trying not to poison myself in the process)! So, to the store I go for the only brand my local P-Chop carries: King’s. It’s ok, not great, but by the time it gets to me, it’s usually quite sour, which makes it perfect for this application.
• Cabot Sharp shredded cheese – I’m really picky on this point. It has to be Cabot. I personally know a couple of farmers who are part of the Cabot co-op, so that is the only brand of processed dairy that crosses our threshold. You do you in your own part of the world, but make sure you pick a sharp cheddar. Don’t go “authentic” with some Queso Fresco nonsense. Nachos are not authentic anything (other than bar food). 
• Green Things! Scallions/green onions are a must. Cilantro is a late addition by my husband that I thoroughly encourage.
• A sheet pan with some sort of protective film – I’m using aluminum foil here, but I usually go for parchment paper, cut into an attractive flower shape, natch.

Please note that the rest of these ingredients are mandatory: 

• Kewpie Mayonnaise. It is the best damn thing you’ll ever dress your food with. We use it in everything – salads, sandwiches, nachos, onigiri, quesadillas, etc. It’s basically Hollandaise in a bottle. Go get some (don’t worry about the MSG. Hush.)
• Sriracha – As if the kimchi weren’t hot enough, splash some of this bad boy on there! You could sub in Sambal Olek, but some sort of additional heat is necessary.
• Katsuobushi/Bonito Flakes – If you look into the processing of this food product, you’ll realize how goofy yet vital a sprinkle of fish flake is to the final product. It is an umami bomb. Also, a very effective cat treat! More like CATsuobushi, amirite?

Oh. And you’ll probably need a knife that can actually cut things, unlike the serrated butter knives I owned before Permanent Roommate moved in.

First, start cutting your green stuff:

While also setting your oven to a middling temp – I usually go with the pre-set 350ºF.

Next, give your kimchi a rough chop. This is basically functioning as a pico de gallo, so keep the pieces small. (David Chang would be all over this sh**. I know he would).

Next, painstakingly spread your chips over the sheet pan, making sure to Tesselate. Effectively.

Same thing with the cheese. I am obsessive about my “cheese to chip ratio.”

Reminder: In case anyone missed it, this is not health food. 

Now, put the green stuff on the chips. Try to make up for the sinful amount of cheese.

See, isn’t that pretty! Now, the next couple of steps are going to involve the Holy Trinity and are going to make some of you uncomfortable. Trust me. Hold my hand. Let me love you through it.

Drizzle both Sriracha and Kewpie Mayo on your nachos. Yes, before you bake. No, I’m not crazy. You can and you will bake/broil mayonnaise.

See! It looks so cheery and colorful! Into the oven it goes for a couple of minutes:

Note: After eight minutes or so, I sometimes kick on the broiler for a minute just to brown the cheese. Don’t be me and forget you’ve changed to the broiler and burn the heck out of your chips.

Finally, sprinkle your katsuobushi over the whole thing. I sometimes commit heresy and scrunch up the flakes to promote even coverage, but that’s my obsession. Treat your flakes well (no scrunching!)  and they will dance over the nachos.

You can eat off the foil or transfer to a plate, because you are a lady and not a savage. Enjoy with an adult beverage.

For me, this is comfort food. I don’t do sweets (unless in the aforementioned adult beverage), but savory/umami flavors make me irrationally happy. Permanent Roommate sometimes threatens to fine me a dollar every time I say umami. He forgets we have joint accounts! UMAMI.

Anyway.

Now go. EAT THE FOOD.